ok so....fuck school..seriously.

I totally tried to sell another book back today and it was rejected cause st.rose is "updating". seriously saint rose? fuck you. you dont need to update cause the new book has the exact same shit in it. the only new thing is a pretty cover. its called saving and reusing, i love how in your attempt to be a "greener" campus you're overlooking the basics behind reycyling. hmmm. and i'll be honest, i could use the money. i paid prolly around 100 for each of my books and i could only return 2 of them out of 5. and for those 2 books i got less than 80 for them. brand new. i know i'm beating a dead horse, but i fucking HATE that i get 20 bucks for an 100 dollar book and then they resell it AGAIN for 100 dollars. then they bitch that they have to save money. screw you i will leave everything on in my room 24 hours a day saint rose. do they need the money?! NO. but we do. oh haha and the kicker is that i made a comment about saint rose when i was recieving my 20 dollars and repacking my rejected books and the girl who was scanning the books had the nerve to be snarky with me. she said it wasnt saint roses fault and i should be greatful. i almost cut a bitch

What of it?

Isn't it funny how people change. And I don't mean over time but, around different people, you become different. It isn't like you are trying to change, or trying to be all cool around them, its just that, it is inevitable, you change. I'm okay with it. People really do shape who I am on a day to day basis, when I am around kids, I act kid like, when I around adults I try and act more mature. But when I am around people who just can't seem to understand that I am only human, (we all make mistake) I don't know how to act. Do you think it is acceptable to change around different people, depending on age, basic personality, or even maturity level? I do.

Even more on the topic of change, since school has ended, and I've come home to long island, my music, clothing and even the way I think about things have changed. But it is not like I have been hanging out with anyone who could have changed my fashion choices, or musical choices, it was all me. So can a place really have a impact on stupid little things like that, because i thought change really came from human interation, which leads me to...

Most people on long island don't understand what it is like to be human or to have real human interation. I hope you all got a change or will get a chance in the near future to sit down, and absorb the movie wakeing life. It has changed my idea of conciousness, and by all means, for the better. Towards the end of the movie, they talk about human interation, and I can definately relate. Check it out!

And Lastly, Summer reading, I know I posted a list before but for serious, the books I would love to discuss with all of you, (as of right now) are Be Here Now, Tuesdays with Morrie, and Cather in the Rye.

There will most likely be more since I still have like 34678 more books I wanna read before the end of the summer, but thats beside the point.

Miss and Love you guys!
Katie

PS. One more thing, I know I know, stfu katie, but Don't you guys think it's great that we haven't seen each other in like 2 monthes(ish) I gives us all a chance to miss each other. I know it definately has for me =)

People need people even though we die and are eventually forgotten. But for the lives of our family members and the people whom we call our friends, it matters because we all depend on each other. I think that if we didn't have people to fall back on when we trip and fall or make big or small mistakes then we would feel completely isolated and withdrawn. I don't know really how to explain it because I have so many things running through my mind but no matter how much I hate people sometimes (scratch that, most of the time) I've come to the realization that we all need each other even if it won't matter in the long run. When we die we will have touched the lives of so many people, whether they are acquaintances, family, or good friends and even though we are no longer alive, we will still live on in their memories and hearts. I know when everyone you know dies then you die too, but, maybe, not really. Maybe, you children's children will investigate your life and you will be remembered as an influential teacher, the most understanding parent or a very intelligent politician, either way your life meant something to you and everyone you've met. Bottom line, what i think, is people really suck most of the time, but we need each other to survive in this world.

"Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown? Is it because he left you one day? is it because he could not stay? On your branches he would swing, do you long for the happiness that day would bring? He found shelter in your shade. You thought his laughter would never fade. Weeping willow, stop your tears. There is something to calm you fears. You think death has ripped you forever apart. But I know he'll always be in your heart."

There have been a few things I have been struggling with in recent weeks that I can't decide if these opinions are good, or bad. I guess that's for each person to decide. I will start with the oldest events, and work my way up until I reach what has been recently been bothering me.

1. June 25, 2009- Michael Jackson Dies.

Now it is safe to say that Michael Jackson is an eccentric dude, but who’s to say that he is a bad person? After his death, people have been making rude comments like, “So what he was a child molester” But the thing of it is, I for one, truly believe he wasn’t. For a parent of a son or daughter who was molested to take money, no matter what amount, in trade for the innocence of a person who “molested” your child is complete bullshit. I would thing, a matter of fact, I know, that I would have wanted a man who owned a place called “Neverland ranch” and whom had thousands of children visit him per day, arrested if he had ever touched my child in a sexual matter. I wouldn’t want another child to go through what my child had. To me, the parents, were just looking for money. I don’t think Michael would do something like that. Secondly, I find it, disgusting that people only saw him for his money, talent, and fame. His life was miserable. By the age of 10 he was pimped out by his so called “father” Joe Jackson. Now tell me, what kind of childhood is that. He grew up only knowing people who wanted him for one thing, his money. The drugs he was taking were to numb the harsh realities of his money driven life. This may sound like pity, but it isn’t, it is respect. I have MAD respect for MJ. And if anyone would like to argue otherwise, come find me.

2. Massapequa, LI (lawg islan)- Parents

As you all probably know, I work at a summer camp at my old Elementary school, and up until now I have had little to absolutely no problems dealing with the parents of children. In fact, most of them are very grateful that we run a great camp especially for the price they pay ( I did the math, its only 3 dollars and hour for babysitting from 9-3 for 6 weeks). But the other day, we had a parent who was quite the opposite of what I am describing. Listen to this story, it is insanity. So, last Wednesday two of our camp counselors had to deal with an disrespectful, and out of control camper. When they told the child that he was going down to the director of the camp, he laughed and said “ Please.” So in an attempt to get this child under control, they took the boys lower arm and brought him to our director. After having a talking to the boy, the boy continued on his day at Summer rec. The next morning, the mother of the boy decided to talk to our director, and by talk I mean yell at, saying “what kind of camp are you running, if those boys don’t get fired I am going to call my attorneys” (not in those exact words but that’s the gist of it. The two counselors, who may I add are very good with the kids, got fired, not by the decision of our director but by the decision of the administration. (Complete BS) So, yesterday (Friday) we had to move some counselors around and we moved one of the best counselors to the 3rd grade boys, the group in which the awful child was in. I hung around that group to make sure there were no problems. Later in the afternoon, I witnessed the litter fucker grab another child by the wrists, violently and push him down. So I brought him down to our director. At the end of camp, the mother talked to the director yet again, and wasn’t to happy with us. (how are you mad at 3 counclors when your child is clearly at fault.) We found out that the kid go two counselors fired, and is in attempted to get me in trouble as well as our director and asst. director, and the kid isn’t even coming back to camp. How can a parent of a child ruin two kids summers, by getting the fired, when your child is a ungrateful, spiteful prick? I don’t understand people. How mean, how rude?! UGH.

3. In recent days I have been having this odd idea that the world, and feeling and all that is just nonsense, unuseful, and pointless. It doesn’t matter how we treat people, they are just going to die anyway, and be forgotten. So than why do I care so much, or why does anyone care enough, to make someone feel better, or to make someone feel miserable. (reading that back makes little to no sense, it’s really hard to put into words what I am trying to explain.) I guess what I am trying to say, as much as I love the people who are in my life now, and I am so grateful for everyone to be a part of my life, and a part of me, It all doesn’t matter. We are all going to be forgotten, and what we have done will not have made a difference. The more I think of the world as meanless, and people as absolutely nothing, the more I feel content, happy, and fulfilled. Is that completely irrational? Actually I don’t care if it is, it gives me the answers I need to hear to make myself the person who I need to be.

I think I need a shrink...

I was watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants the other day before I went to work and it occurred to me that i may possibly be afraid to get into a relationship. Think about it I'm always falling for the guy who is constantly unavailable or if I do like a dude who is available I make up about a billion excuses to not go out with him. I'm a mess! I feel like I'm Lena, from the movie, who is scarred to get into a relationship with Kostas. However, Lena conquers her fears and fights for him.
So the other day while I was at work this kid Justin, who i went to high school with and who had a crush on me for the longest time, came in with his girlfriend (ugh) and it occurred to me that I actually like him (shit!). I have been telling this kid that I don't like him for like 4 years and that he should find someone else and the moment he does I start falling for him. Is that fucked up or what? jeez. Right after work i decided to go get drunk with a few friends and of course we have to talk about boys and they all ask who I'm "crushing on" and I blurted out Justin. I told them that I think I have a fear of committment. We were talking about it for quite some time and I now know that I have three fears : 1. fear of getting into a relationship, 2. fear of being alone, and 3. fear of losing my freedom as a single girl in New York. Do I need to see a shrink or what because seriously I have mad issues. I really like Justin and I know he likes me because I can see it in his eyes whenever I see him and we do that small talk thing. I really wanna tell him that I like him but my morals are telling me to not ruin the relationship he just started and my insecurities are telling me to find someone else.
On the other hand I started talking to Mike, who is now living in Jersey...? I don't want to date him or anything because he starting to feel more like a bother to me that a boyfriend guy. Here I go again making excuses (damn). But, no seriously I don't like him like I though I did during the school year. But I can't help but think that he likes me because he is always telling me to come keep him company in NJ and that he wants to see me at JFK before I leave for Ireland. And I'm just like WTF? Am I being way to conceited here? I think I am just gunna cut off communications with him because I can't keep stringing him along because I know he likes me and if I need to I can go back to him after being rejected or what not.
I can't keep running away from my problems because they are always going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I;m leaving for Ireland in 32 days where I can forget about my USA boy drama and just live life to the fullest and maybe find someone knew whom non of my friends will know and who I won't be afraid of and can conquer my many fears I face when it comes to boys.

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.”

Love,
Katelyn!

PS. Am I crazy?
PSS. I miss you girls! come back to Albany so we can visit Monty and get drunkzz

Summer Goal #2: Get my body and my mind on the same page, happiness is all the rage

I went biking today, It was nice. Starting tomorrow, I am not drinking soda, and this time is for real. After I finish the 3-24oz of bud heavys I have, no more drinking for the summer too. I wanna be in a good mood, and feel in a good mood, and look as though im in a great mood. My body, and my mind, need to be on the same page here. No more mcdonalds, and no more confusion. I am sticking to my guns, and going with my gut. Sure, this week coming up is going to suck, next week I will call the downfall of Katie Dobbins, but by time School starts back up, and I look damn fine and feel damn fine, that week will be the Rise of Katie Dobbins.

be ready. I'm gonna look good. (and feel good too)

MISS YOU!<3

curious

i adore you.

it's not the same as the L word.

yes it is.

why won't you just say it?

you say it first.

guys always run when girls say it first.

Why is that? Why is it so taboo for a girl to express her love first? Why does she have to wait for the guy to be ready before she's allowed to feel anything like that? I guess girls are allowed to feel it, just not speak about it-that is, if she has any intention of keeping the boy she's with.

Erik and I went to see the second transformers tonight. The boy was leaving for college, saying goodbye to his girlfriend and that was the argument had, and I wondered: Why? Why is it so awful, or so terrifying to hear that someone loves you? isn't it what we all crave? I mean, sure it's scary to feel that way about someone, you have to completely disinhibit in order to do so. but it's not like because it's said to you, all of the sudden you're supposed to feel the same. Or is it? Have we turned telling someone you love them into a reciprocation? That people are so afraid of their feelings they won't risk exposing them unless they're sure they'll get the response they're looking for from their partner? 

And who put a time limit on when you're allowed to say and feel those words? I mean, I understand you have to really know someone before you can love them, but what if you've known them for years and you've been close and you know them, you really know them, and finally you're dating but you're not yet at that time, that marker that says, "Okay. Love is valid now." ? Why can't you be in love in 10 weeks of dating someone, if you know them? Why does it have to be 6 months, 8 months, 1 year? What if you just know, right in the beginning? Why is everyone so guarded, so afraid of loving someone else? Is it the commitment people are afraid of? Or is it just scary that once someone reveals that to you, you know you have all the power in the world to ruin them?

Why, when we're so advanced in so many ways, can't we just speak freely about our feelings? 

Why does love make people run?

I started a second blog! I like where the ichatirobisin blog is going, but I figured we should seperate, feelings from talking about new up and coming things like music and culture. So, If you are interested in contributing to the second blog about music, culture, art and other ill stuff, lemme know!

=)

my leg is numb.

thought #1: So yesterday I went to this concert with some friends of mine. As i stood there in the pouring rain, listening to the music, I couldn't help but notice this cutesie couple a little ways in front of me. Watching them act as couples do, I was forced to think about the relationships that I have in my life. In doing so, I realized, I have a very hard time letting people in. I don't know why. I've never really had that significant heart break that people talk about. I've never really been betrayed in such a way that would cause me to put no trust in people. Whatever the reason, however, I just have a hard time. There is so much that I feel that people don't know about me. So many aspects of my life that few people really know about, minus my close friends and family. Why do we build these walls? What are we so scared of?

thought #2: why do I find it so hard to admit to myself that not all people have the truest intentions. For 20 years, I've always tried to find the best in others, always tried to highlight the positive in the personalities of people I am surrounded by. The other day, however, I finally heard something that made me realize that although we may feel guilt-ridden, it is only human nature to dislike other people. Yes, I know, duh! But really, I'm being serious here. What do you do when you realize that one of your "friends" really isn't the truest of people. You cant just cut that person off... or can you? Do you keep going as if he/she did nothing? Keep that "friends" label there for convenience, or leave them behind. I may just be rambling and not make sense, but I don't really give a crapola.

thought #3: holy shit is life fragile. sometimes it scares me just how fragile it really is.

so to sum it all up:
1) I live hiding behind the great wall of china
2) I'm a nut who over analyzes things
3) life=frah-gee-lay. must be Italian

p.s. please tell me you got my reference there girls.

The Universe: Stars and Cosmos

I’ve been doing a lot of research, and by research I mean watching "Sex and the City" episodes, and movies that are mad lame like, “He’s just not that into you”, and during this so called “research” a few questions have been raised and I was curious on all of your opinions. We all know that girls are delusional, but so are guys. Guys play these games with you, whether they like you or not. To most people, emotions are a joke, and the only emotions that matter, are his or hers. 3 weeks ago (give or take a few days or even weeks) I thought that you have to do what is good for you, “Do what you want” and when it comes to another person, just understand that YOU are the most important. But now I am realizing that maybe that isn’t the best way to go about things. I wish I could tell you girls what is the right way to go about things but I out of my element.

So continuing with my conclusions that I made after the “research” I did: Isn’t it crazy to think that there is someone out there who could possibly be made for you, and only you. But what if you have already met that person? What if you already happily married when you encounter the “one” you are “supposed” to be with? Do you drop everything to be with that person, or continue living a mediocre life? And what about the other person, like I said, how do you know when you should “do what you want” and when you should do what is greater good for the greater number?

Deception. Everyone is a part of it, whether it’d be you who is deceiving people or someone who has deceived you. Deception hurts. Have you ever found out something about someone, that you knew to be true to begin with, but having the hard evidence makes even more legitimate? It hurts. Or if what you find out isn’t something that person is doing to you, but doing it to a friend? That hurts. I’ve been struggling with trust, lately. I’m sure every human in the entire universe has some form of trust issues. It’s something a person will never get over, but learn to cope and deal with. Currently, I can’t deal. People have been proving me right, in things I do not want to be right, and proving me wrong in things I do not want to be wrong. I am pretty sure I have a good conception of who everyone who writes on this blog is, all good, so please, don’t prove me wrong.

Another concept I’ve been fooling around with is the fact that life really does come full circle. You are born, innocent and through the course of your life you lose that innocence. But of course that’s the idea of living life rather than just existing. Some of us have been though things as hard a death, all the way to something as petty as losing your car keys, or breaking up with a boyfriend, I mean the list of things that could happen to any one individual is unlimited. My point being, those of us who have been through an extremely difficult time in our lives have just maybe sped up the process of losing our innocence. And while something as negative, and as awful as losing a person by reason of death, or a breakup, or an ending of a friendship, these can all be looked as positives. The way you handled those tragic moments have shaped you, and your personality. A person isn’t defined as the events that happen in their lives, but how they handle themselves during those events. And when you die or are mad old, you start almost gaining innocence back. Think about it, old people are completely clueless on when the younger generations are doing, hell my mom (who isn’t even old) didn’t realize that kids who in 6th grade, 12 years old, are having sex. Christ I didn’t even know that. So as we lose a certain type of innocence, you also gain an different type of innocence. Right?
Okay, I know I’ve been rambeling on about random stuff, but I need to ask, Do you think that horoscopes and the idea of astrology are all accurate, and real? If so scope the scene on this site (www.excite.com) I don’t know if I believe in that stuff, but that website sure does make me want to believe in it. I also want to hear more about this long lasting conflict we have all been having of destiny vs. free will. I just can’t seem to decide. I go from one day being all about the idea of free will, to the next of being complexly set on the idea that our life has destiny.

Even though I have been in Albany or the past 18 days or so I am glad that we all have had a break from each other. Don’t get me wrong, I seriously miss you girls, but it makes me realize that not having you around sucks and makes me really feel lucky to know you guys.



"And look at the stars, don't they remind you just how feeble we are? Well it used to, I guess cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life it's been fine I've been cool with my new golden rule...I'm over the analyzing tonight." - John Mayer

the madness that you feel will soon subside

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day that changed my life. 

5 years ago today, at this very second, Ashley was in math with me. She was safe, sitting behind me. We were joking about  her sunburn, about whether Jessica was in ISS again, or whether she was just skipping the class in guidance. We were planning our summer. We were thinking back on how freshman year was, how our friendship had its ups and downs. She was asking me about my plans for the day, she was inviting me to hers. I was declining offers from her for the sole reason i thought I'd get caught if I lied to my mom.

5 years ago i was walking through the hall, when I was stopped by Sierra. I wore a white shirt just for her, and she said "Tiffany, you really are beautiful. I want you to stop wearing black." And I promised I would. I was hugging Sierra. i was joking with Sierra. She was safe, she was in front of me. We were joking about our past, saying how glad we were that we had become close again, how we'd missed each other.

5 years ago today, I was halfway through my final day of my freshman year of high school. I had a boyfriend, I had best friends, I was incredibly happy.

5 years ago today, i was still a kid. 

Today marks 5 years since my best friends were killed in the ultimate act of stupidity. 5 years since I truly discovered what hate feels like. Today marks 5 years since I watched my best friend completely break. 5 years since I felt my and saw her heart break. Today marks 5 years since I grew up.

I miss them every day. I don't look for them places anymore, I don't think about them all the time. I don't hear their voices in my head and I have started to forget their exact lines of their faces. I can't remember their phone numbers, I can't feel the way they hugged  me anymore. And I am so angry about it. I don't want to forget, I want them with me forever in every way I can have them, because I they were taken from me.

I am 20 years old, and I AM too young to feel this old. Old, and tired, and heart-broken. It doesn't get easier. No matter what anyone says, it does not get easier to live while someone you love does not. That hurt never goes away. 

It's been 5 years. Today is June 15, 2009. Today is the last day of high school. This hasn't happened  since June 15, 2004. I am more than nervous. Maybe I'm being superstitious, but I can't help it. My heart hurts.

Picking up the pieces of the wreck you went and left

and i'm dealing with dilemmas in my now so stressful life

and i'm drinking stronger spirits, I've made my home hear on the floor

and i'm losing all ambition and goals.

no sleeping at night, but i'm going from bar to bar

why can't we just rewind?

maybe the dingo ate your baby

hiiiiiii friends.
sincerely, me.

p.s. please visit this site
http://omgthatrocks.com/

aha shake heartbreak

As most of you know, I went back to albany this past week, and suprisingly shit's been real good. No one is as cranky as they were, which is always a good sign, the weather is constantly beautiful there, and I am definately going to be exploring places in albany that I haven't seen before. Currently I am back on Long Island, only or the night though, for some reason I feel like something is calling me back to Albany, who knows what it is, I think it's the weather, the people, and beauty all around the city that I have never noticed before. Things are clearing up for me. And I have realized that setting up lists of pro's and con's is the best way to determain what is best for you life.

Marissa, I feel the same way about school and in the same sence I just can't seem to get away from it. I don't even wanna touch the subject of not going to school anymore with my parents, but the point is, I feel like my life is much bigger than school. I'm sure everyone feels that way. But every once in a while, I get that one class that reminds me why I am in school. To learn History, and information about things I would never have known if I didn't go to school. I mean come one, the world has changed drasticly since it was first created. We have come so far!

But what is even more mind boggling than the idea of learning about world history, or math (which isn't even real) Is who the fuck was this "genious" who decided what basics even human should know? When you think about its, our opinions, what makes us, "us" is actually all opinions on what someone else taught us. So "me" or "you" will never really be myself, or yourself. No one is unique.

Which brings me to, the movie I have been ranting and raving about, Waking Life, talks about something that has happened to me, and probably has happened to you. Ever have a dream that you are talking to someone, and this person tells you about this ill idea than you wake up, and you are like shit that idea is awesome, I am def. going to do that. But is it really your idea? I mean, you didn't think of it, a dream character did. Therefore "your" idea, is no where near unique. What do you think?

Next order of buisness, Katelyn, you better bring me home some ill dress or some indie as fashion from ireland/europe. Just keep that in mind, bitch. =P But really, anyone else think it's crazy that Kate isn't gonna be around next semster, I mean, of course we don't see her all the time now because of the summer, but during the semesters shes always getting wasted, wondering around albany doing her annoying ass laugh. JK Kate, I love you. But really.
And which one of you is gonna man up and watch gossip girl with me every Monday night? Yeah you guys better start drawing straws.


So I didn't think this blog post would be as long as it's gotten but I have alot to say apparently.


Keep Reading
Keep Writing.
Keep on keeping up.

IRELAND!!!

Ok, I know that I'm not complaining about anything in this post, but I just found out that I've been accepted into the University of Cork over in Ireland and leave a few days before August 21st! I'm super excited and wanted to share the news with everyone!

The only downside, however would be that I would miss my good friends which include the ones who contribute (more than I have) to the blog!

Love ya!!!
KayBee

I'll let this speak for itself

For the last probably ten days in a row, i've been either drunk or high, and on this eleventh night i'm kind of feeling like I have somethings to say. Maybe my brain is feeling the lack of drugs and is attempting to compensate, so be it. lol. I can't really explain what i've been feeling tonight, but i'm certainly going to try. Everything seems so...idk...planned out. Graduate, go to college, graduate, go back to school again, graduate, get a shitty apartment, work shitty jobs that you hate, and then finally settle into a job that you don't even mildly love where you will presumably remain for the rest of your life if you're lucky. i dont want that! in fact, i refuse it! my parents come home miserable day after day telling me to stay in school so i can get what i want, but why should i when its going to lead me down the same path as them? does my future lie outside standardized education? more and more every day my heart seems to tell me that the answer is yes. I want to travel, and share what I have to say and listen to what the world has to offer. College almost seems like a crutch when i view it like this. It's crippling us from experiencing what life is really like, which is why alot of people burn out when they graduate and end up either suicidal or somebody's bitch. Two things I will not be. Every day I get closer o my summer class and I ask myself whats the point? Fighting it would be bliss, but is it worth my parents believing i'm heading down a path of self destruction? who knows?

-sorry for the wierdness, but I got in this huge debate with my dad tonight how I refuse to settle in a job and blah blah so it sort of led to this. lol

and is it mean for me to tell a friend to shut up about her ex? I mean, i know break-up's suck, but every time  we hang out, it's all she wants to talk about. And its not like new info, its the same shit reiterated again and again. I feel like a bad friend, but I can't take it! 

and i miss st. rose. living at home sucks.

Love,

Marissa

What's the deal girls?! No one has written in ages, I gave the blog some space, so that someone else can have a word, but since that clearly isn't happening, I'll chime in again. Nothing has happened since I left albany, the most drama I've had is the fact that my "f" key sticks on my keyboard. I hate drama, but I love to watch it unfold around me. And since Massapequa is extremly boring, I'm begining to wonder where else my life will lead me. After I am done and graduated from Saint Rose, where will I move on too. I'm not sure I want to stay in Albany, I feel as though within the two year span I have left, I will have gotten about all I could get from Albany. So what's my next major city. The question is stay in New York, or wonder west?

Than again, I am not sure I want to think about the future, I wanna just be worried with the here and now. And what is here and now is planning my trip to europe. I want out of the states, hit me up with some across the sea culture.

The weather here doesn't help either, I thought I'd be retreating to the Long Island coast, but rather I'm stuck indoors with nothing but time on my hands. Christ if I wanted my parade rained on I would just step outside. So instead of relaxing on the beach, I've been doing puzzles, and watching old Golden Girls re-runs, I am only 20 and I am already going on 80.

Gimme my orthopedic shoes, Im gonna need them for the amount of ground im going to cover this year.


Love always,
Katie



PS. "...Just one more thing, can you tell me something that I haven't heard, I wanna hear how it sounds?" - Piebald

Soco Amaretto Lime

I have come to several realizations with in the past few nights; realizations that have seriously helped me come close to achieving my first summer goal. So here’s the recap of my weekend + Monday.

Friday night was a scavenger hunt with a bunch of high schoolers, which I was into, skeptical but I was into the idea. Sure they were slightly immature, but it’s nice to hang out with people who are still young, not that I’m not young but yeah. It was refreshing to see people that I hadn’t seen in a while, or even years.

Saturday, I went up to Albany. We had a party at the 511 household, it was interesting. Let’s just say, I’m glad to be out of there. There’s a lack of communication everywhere I go, especially there, probably because I’m always in and out of Albany, I can’t stay in one place because of jobs, school, family, it just gets overwhelming.

Sunday, I drove home, and watch desperate housewives, and cried my eyes out.
Monday I slept until 12, which I never do, and spent the day watching soup operas. Carolyn came over and than we watch Gossip Girl. Than me and fatty spent the night driving around talking, which is where some my very accurate convictions came about.

I hate to write it, or say it out loud, but most of the people who say they like me, really like the thought of me, not me. It’s all a game. Sure they want me because I’m cute as hell, but what’s more important are the relationship and the name attached to what “we” are. Sure that sucks, because surprisingly, I actually had feelings. I know, I know, the bitch has feeling surprising right?

Maybe that’s not the scenario, so ill give you another one, they don’t actually want me to like them. They think they like me, but they really like the thought of having something to be upset about, the chase. It’s all about the chase. They want a Mr. Big (only in girl form of course) and I will be there Mr. Big, not because I am their Mr. Big but because they want me to be their Mr. Big. Did that make sence?

Which brings me to, the short second I was looking for a relationship that has now terminated. I am now off the market and just keeping to myself. And maybe giving the cute kid who I see from time to time my number ;) but not in hopes of starting a relationship, just in hopes of getting to know someone new. That’s all I want is something fresh and new.

So the few things that I have to say to you fine people, well, just go with the flow. Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason, maybe Kanye was wrong and we actually do have free will, maybe not. The thing of it all is, that we don’t know, and at this point, I don’t really care. And finally, be yourself, find someone new, don’t worry about what they will think of you, they will like you. I promise. Screw the Mr. Big’s, and screw the Chuck’s of you’re lives, because when it comes down to it, who says we need to wait for them, I could probably find someone way cooler, way nicer, and way more cute that them, lets be honest. Oh and those things called feelings that everyone is talking about, screw them too. We can get over the Bigs, and the Chucks, we just need allow ourselves to do it. So do it!

I miss you girls and I love you always.









“Everybody wake up, It’s time to get down” - Brand New

yuck.

Wanna talk about guys coming back?

Talked to jess the other night, and she asked me about Christian 1 & 2, Erik, and that Vinnie guy. I said that Christian 1 hasn't spoken to me in about a week, probably good because of how things have been going with Erik, blah blah. Christian 2 hadn't tried to contact me since that night, awesome, because it was all a dare kind of think with Kate. That night, Erik was really attached to me for whatever reason before I talked to Jessica, idk. Like clingy and needy and weird.. whatever. So I talk to Erik before he goes to sleep, then I try to go to sleep and Christian 2 texts me and says "Tiffany I miss you. Are you in albany?" and I tell him no, and he tells me he misses my "amazing kisses". SERIOUSLY? Obviously I didn't answer, then he starts with "I never meant anything to you, did I?" blah blah blah, and I'm like "look we were drunk it happens." He starts complaining about how he really likes me and he can't wait 'til I'm back in Albany so we can hang out some more. 

But really.

I get him to go away, and this kid Justin that I met drunk FIRST SEMESTER starts talking to me, telling me I intrigue him every time we talk, and that he wants to get to know me better. fhdsk;afhdsk;aj.

But really.

THEN, Christian 1 calls me. I answer, he says, "What I'm trying to understand is, we've been home for almost 2 weeks and I still have not received a picture from you." He's referring to the kind where I'm not supposed to be wearing any clothes. And then tells me that if I were on Long Island he'd be taking me home that night, he wouldn't even have to think twice about it.

But really.

I am SICK of boys returning. Actually, I'm sick of boys having feelings for me. I don't want any part in it. I'm going to carry business cards around with me or something that has my number, name and picture for when a guy wants to know me, and it's going to say under my name, "Do not fall for me. It's a terrible idea."

That way, they are forewarned and I can't be to blame when I'm clearly not interested.

ughh.

Albany.

218. i cannot wait for you. so I can hide. away from everyone.

Lists

So here we go again, another blog post It's getting old Katie, I know, but hear me out, Here are some of the choices I made to entertain my summer after work, enjoy =)






Track List:
1. Needy- The Good Life
2. My Friend- Dr. Dog
3. Street Lights- Kanye West
4. Not if I see you first- The Marine Electric
5. Gentleman's Pact- Conor Oberst
6. (Anything off the Brand New's Your Favorite Album)
7. The Recluse- Cursive
8. Boy Destroyers- Hey Mercedes
9. Tonight We're gonna give it 35% - Against me!
10. Don't think twice, it's alright- Bob Dylan
11. Playing your song- Hey Mercedes
12. Machines- Kiss Kiss
13. Whiskey and Wine- Matt Costa
14. Future Reflections- MGMT
15. Haven't Tried it- Piebald
16. Runaway- Yeah Yeah Yeah's
17. Bigger River- The Rain in Spain


Books:
1. Love Letters of Great Men and Women: From the Eighteenth Century to the Present Day
2. Remember, Be here now. By Ram Dass
3. The Fall. By Albert Camus
4. Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, A Young Man and Life's Greatest Lesson
5. The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Movies:
1. Funny Face
2. Waking life
3. Love and other Disastors
4. S. Darko
5. How to deal
6. Princess Mononoke
7. My Neighbor Totoro
8. To kill a Mockingbird
9. Bonnie and Clyde
10. The Wizard of OZ





Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know you may have read those books, heard those songs, or seen those movies, the point is, lets re-watch, re-listen, and re-visit the old, and bring some new. I haven't seen half those movies, read none of those books, and listened to those songs, maybe once. Maybe they will enlighten you, and fill you up.


I hope we all learn something new about ourselves this summer, I know I already have. And this is why, I am in search of Goal number 2.

----

After showing my cousin someone in my year book, I left to book on my desk to put away. This morning, I fliped it open, to read some of the comments I got from friends, and friends past. Originally I was going to put down several messages that people had left me, ones of hope, and love. But than I realized, what this was all about. The quote to end highschool.

"We are always changing but we change together."

After reading that, I was brought to tears. Where is that friend who said we would change together? People say things but when it's in writing it is so much more legitimite. I know the person who wrote that, most likely isn't reading this, but I still love him. I always have, and always will. Lately I have changed into the ugliest of people. I realize that now. And for that, I must appologize. This summer, I will change, you will change, and everyone will change around us. But we will change together, maybe we will grow appart. But just know that I will always be there. No matter what. We change together. I miss you.





And Last but not least, add to that book list, you're old highschool year book, read what you're friends wrote you, your enemies, or even your past friends. Remeber who you were, and bring alittle bit of your old self back.


I am going to be taking a break from blogging for awhile, and take some time to do some more personal writing. Learn about new self, and old self.








XOXO

Katie

harsh realms

(click the image)
or this

!#@%#%^

I'm not exactly sure how I wanted to start this blog post, I guess I just dish right into it, once you have something, you have something to lose, or you get bored with it. So how can one be content? I guess you truely have to be wrapped up in what ever it is that you have. I answered my own question, ha. My point is I constantly get what I want, get bored and move on. I know I know, it's very bold for me to say. But people make it easy, oh that's bitchy I know but I wouldn't be saying it if it wasn't true. Can someone give me a slight challege, please? I love when I can't find the shirt that I want so bad in my size, than I just have to go to another store and find something twice as good to take my mind off of the shirt that doesn't fit. But let's say that shirt did come in my size, I'd probably wear it once and get bored with it because it only matches one pair of pants. So it's no longer about being scared of having something to lose, it's being bored. I am a bitch. I am completely self absorbed and into myself. Once you you realize you have a problem you can fix it right? Step one, admit the problem, step two find the solution, so what the fuck is the solution?!

I think I need some retail therapy.


PS. I think I also need to stop being so pety.


Summer Goal #1- Reconnect with what really matters, yourself.




OH! OH! you're kidding me, you must be joking or you are smoking.

My mom's watching something boring on TV so I am going to continue with what I had going on.

Katelyn Bonk, this one is directed for you, How can destiny and free will at all be associated other than being complete opposites? I'm not sure your free will can lead you to you're destiny if your destiny is what it is...=/

and Marissa this ones for you, I completely agree, Its like a weird 6th sense that people have, they know exactly when to completely stop you in your tracks. And as much as I hate it, I love it, I guess it all depends on the person who's just poping back into your life.

And this one well this one is just aimed at the general public. I am exactly who everyone thought I was, I lived up to ever dumb standard everyone has had for me, but my own. So now, where do I stand? absolutely no where.

"You give a little bit of time everyone you meetAnd what do you say for yourself?"
Jeeze Tom Gabel, you're too cute and too right.

well fuck.

Tests

I often feel like life has the strangest ways of reminding us of what we've left behind. For instance, when that one person suddenly decided to pop back into your life. While so frustrating it makes me want to scream, I find that I'm grateful for the reminder. does that sound ridic? I can better appreciate what I have in front of me or I can have a good laugh and be like what the fuck was I thinking? And when it comes down to it, only you can decide whats going to make you happy in the long run. By giving the decision to someone else, well you're in essence letting someone run your life. no good. Once its done there is no going back. I'd rather make it for myself and deal with whatever may happen rather then letting someone else do it and always wonder what my other option might have been.

Welcome to the good life, I just got the two illest bags eva. =) Yeah bros, Kanye and Beyonce, by two favz.<3

Modern Romance

I'm into this new band, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and I love this song and it definitly relates to all of our lives currently!
Check it out...

Decide with your heart

Every decision we make affects the people who are in our lives and the way we live our life. But decisions are what make enable us to move forward in our life and to experience pain and grief, joy and happiness and everything in between. I guess it would be easier to runaway from everything and everyone, but that would also mean that you would be living under a rock. Making decisions, big or small, gives us the power to control our lives and the people we allow to be in it. I know that making decisions, even the smallest ones, can change our lives forever but it is better to use your heart to decide where you want life to take you rather than your head. It may not be the easiest thing to do "to let your heart decide" however it can be worth it in the end if your happy. Oh and letting your friends decide for you is easier on you, yes, but not always for your best interest. Be yourself and make decisions that will benefit you in the end!
To answer Katie's question, sort of, I think that decisions are a part of free will which lead us toward our destiny. I'm not sure if our destiny is set in stone or if the decisions we make are already predetermined, it's mind boggling. What do you guys think?

Heads up, good quote: If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

truth.

Wouldn't it be easier if we can avoid everything we need to avoid. I'm way to scared of people, and trusting people is to hard. "Decisions seem so absolute"--it's true. One decision can change the course of your life. Does everything happen for a reason or is there free will? It's all up to you to decide, or is it?

stupid things called feelings.

Of course this is about a boy. or two. and the emotions that come along with them. I hate that I have a Mr. Big of my own. I mean, i understand that everyone does eventually have one, but I hate that I can't be exempt. I am great at putting my feelings for someone on the side, shoving them away until I can't find them anymore. That usually works really well for me, except with my Big. I've hidden those feelings in the most hard to reach areas I could, tried to replace them with flaws I could never like. In the end, those very flaws are most of why I am attracted to him. That's not the point. Point is, after almost 2 years, he decides to pay real attention to me. Not secret attention, not attention that could never be noticed. Real attention. And I don't even ask questions. I had the most fun with him on our date (he called it a date, girls!) than I have had since before my first date with bro-van. Leaving Albany yesterday, I texted and said goodbye. He said he was sad that I was leaving and that hopefully he'd get to see me in the summer. Seeing that, i forgot all about the boy who is, for whatever reason, waiting for me at home. Home boy (haha) is cute, funny, smart, focused, and into me.
Big has been a game player for almost the whole time I've known him.
Yet for whatever reason, I cannot stop thinking about my dinner the other night. And my Big.

So my question, ladies, is why? Why do they know when to come back? Why do they come back? And why can't I make a decision?
Do I have to even?
What if I were to just go on dates this summer, no relationships, no strings attached, nothing? Take me to dinner as many times as you want, but nothing is coming out of this?
I want someone new. Someone I've never met before, who knows nobody. Someone from another school but close enough to see whenever I felt like. Far enough that I don't have to see them every day.
In a perfect world, I'd completely stand by that. However, this is no perfect world and I am just a Carrie.

Since this is like the gossip girl of the albany region, lets chat about relationships, why don't we? I am excited to say I am promptly leaving albany as soon as this weekend is over ( I'd leave sooner but caleb lionheart and marine electric are playing on Saturday) which means by time I get back, in June, hopefully the dumb girl and none the less guy drama will be over with. With spring here and summer coming for some odd reason everyone feels the need to date or hook up with each other. And apparently NO ONE is off limits. It’s like insect. Everyone dates each other than swaps girlfriends or boyfriends. With the new semester looming I suggest one thing, let’s break free from the dumb web that our friend groups have made for us. Meet new people, and better yet date new people. There is absolutely no reason we have to date our best friends ex’s or our best friends for that matter. Things are just getting weird around this place, and I hate to say it but Long Island is looking pretty good right now, and with out drama.
Now When I said I would be talking about relationships I didn’t just mean boyfriend and girlfriends I mean just plain friendship too. Like Katelyn said before me a huge change is going to happen next year, I can feel it. I’m not sure what it will be but something drastic is going to blow everyone’s minds, and I can’t wait. So why is everyone so afraid of change like katelyn asked, well my dear friends, change simply means that we are growing old and growing up, which is a very scary thought. Growing up has been on my mind recently, I guess because I can now say I am “in my twenties”, My question to you all is why is everyone so afraid to grow up, and grow old. Being old should be considered beautiful, the older you get the more knowledge you have, of yourself, of other people, of everything really and isn’t that what life is all about? The main part of growing up is growing apart as well, from friends or boyfriends or girlfriends, and I think that what is such a scary thought is. There is nothing wrong with growing apart from one another, I guess it’s is part of you’re life’s path. If friendship isn’t meant to be than it won’t be, and same is true for relationships.


Out with the old in with the new
So good-bye city, hello beaches!

Change

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."

~Rosanne Cash~

As I was watching Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill tonight i realized that people are afraid of change. I think that it is easier for people to pretend that people and themselves are changing and choose to ignore it instead of going with it. In the GG episode tonight things changed drastically between Chuck and Blair and, me, being lame, cried because it was depressing, but in real life everything is changing between my friends and my education.  It's easy, I think, when our friends and our life stays constant because then life is predictable, but life is full of surprises, which makes living exciting and harder. 

It is the end of the year and I have to study for finals, pack up my belongings and find time to hang out with all my good friends before the Wednesday when it hit me: I'm afraid of change. By Wednesday I will be back home working, missing my college friends and all of the fun we had during out Sophomore year. What makes it more difficult is the fact that Meghan and I are doing the study abroad program. By the end of July, hopefully, we will be on an airplane on our way to Ireland. I think it was easier to accept that it was the end of the year when I knew that I was coming back in August and reconnecting with my college pals. Part of me cannot wait to go to Ireland and meet brand new friends and dudes :), but the other part of me is scared because my life will change after I go. I should be embracing change and looking forward to what lies ahead in this crazy thing we call a journey, but change is terrifying. 

This past year I have made different friends, friends of mine have fought with each other and have had falling outs and my friends have made other friends. Sophomore year has been very different than freshmen year because last year I was timid and shy and didn't branch out to meet new people. Being scared is just a feeling and something that can be overcome if the person is willing to be strong and confident. With a little help from my friends I gained the courage to befriend people I thought didn't like me and break out of my shell. While I was out doing my own thing, my friends mat other people and made friends with them, which is cool, but scary at first because I had the feeling of being replaced. I know that it was ridiculous, but everyone has that type of feeling when friends make other friends because they don't want to loose that person. However, I think that if you are susceptible to change is easier because you can accept and move on with life, instead of wishing your life is still like it was yesteryear. 

Well, I'm exhausted and have two finals plus packing tomorrow to do! Let me know what you think...

<3 always, 

~ Kay Bee

what the fuck is harder than this?

i want answers.

start writing, start reading.

summer reading list coming soon.