I was watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants the other day before I went to work and it occurred to me that i may possibly be afraid to get into a relationship. Think about it I'm always falling for the guy who is constantly unavailable or if I do like a dude who is available I make up about a billion excuses to not go out with him. I'm a mess! I feel like I'm Lena, from the movie, who is scarred to get into a relationship with Kostas. However, Lena conquers her fears and fights for him.
So the other day while I was at work this kid Justin, who i went to high school with and who had a crush on me for the longest time, came in with his girlfriend (ugh) and it occurred to me that I actually like him (shit!). I have been telling this kid that I don't like him for like 4 years and that he should find someone else and the moment he does I start falling for him. Is that fucked up or what? jeez. Right after work i decided to go get drunk with a few friends and of course we have to talk about boys and they all ask who I'm "crushing on" and I blurted out Justin. I told them that I think I have a fear of committment. We were talking about it for quite some time and I now know that I have three fears : 1. fear of getting into a relationship, 2. fear of being alone, and 3. fear of losing my freedom as a single girl in New York. Do I need to see a shrink or what because seriously I have mad issues. I really like Justin and I know he likes me because I can see it in his eyes whenever I see him and we do that small talk thing. I really wanna tell him that I like him but my morals are telling me to not ruin the relationship he just started and my insecurities are telling me to find someone else.
On the other hand I started talking to Mike, who is now living in Jersey...? I don't want to date him or anything because he starting to feel more like a bother to me that a boyfriend guy. Here I go again making excuses (damn). But, no seriously I don't like him like I though I did during the school year. But I can't help but think that he likes me because he is always telling me to come keep him company in NJ and that he wants to see me at JFK before I leave for Ireland. And I'm just like WTF? Am I being way to conceited here? I think I am just gunna cut off communications with him because I can't keep stringing him along because I know he likes me and if I need to I can go back to him after being rejected or what not.
I can't keep running away from my problems because they are always going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I;m leaving for Ireland in 32 days where I can forget about my USA boy drama and just live life to the fullest and maybe find someone knew whom non of my friends will know and who I won't be afraid of and can conquer my many fears I face when it comes to boys.
“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.”
Love,
Katelyn!
PS. Am I crazy?
PSS. I miss you girls! come back to Albany so we can visit Monty and get drunkzz
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