5 years ago today, at this very second, Ashley was in math with me. She was safe, sitting behind me. We were joking about her sunburn, about whether Jessica was in ISS again, or whether she was just skipping the class in guidance. We were planning our summer. We were thinking back on how freshman year was, how our friendship had its ups and downs. She was asking me about my plans for the day, she was inviting me to hers. I was declining offers from her for the sole reason i thought I'd get caught if I lied to my mom.
5 years ago i was walking through the hall, when I was stopped by Sierra. I wore a white shirt just for her, and she said "Tiffany, you really are beautiful. I want you to stop wearing black." And I promised I would. I was hugging Sierra. i was joking with Sierra. She was safe, she was in front of me. We were joking about our past, saying how glad we were that we had become close again, how we'd missed each other.
5 years ago today, I was halfway through my final day of my freshman year of high school. I had a boyfriend, I had best friends, I was incredibly happy.
5 years ago today, i was still a kid.
Today marks 5 years since my best friends were killed in the ultimate act of stupidity. 5 years since I truly discovered what hate feels like. Today marks 5 years since I watched my best friend completely break. 5 years since I felt my and saw her heart break. Today marks 5 years since I grew up.
I miss them every day. I don't look for them places anymore, I don't think about them all the time. I don't hear their voices in my head and I have started to forget their exact lines of their faces. I can't remember their phone numbers, I can't feel the way they hugged me anymore. And I am so angry about it. I don't want to forget, I want them with me forever in every way I can have them, because I they were taken from me.
I am 20 years old, and I AM too young to feel this old. Old, and tired, and heart-broken. It doesn't get easier. No matter what anyone says, it does not get easier to live while someone you love does not. That hurt never goes away.
It's been 5 years. Today is June 15, 2009. Today is the last day of high school. This hasn't happened since June 15, 2004. I am more than nervous. Maybe I'm being superstitious, but I can't help it. My heart hurts.
Picking up the pieces of the wreck you went and left
and i'm dealing with dilemmas in my now so stressful life
and i'm drinking stronger spirits, I've made my home hear on the floor
and i'm losing all ambition and goals.
no sleeping at night, but i'm going from bar to bar
why can't we just rewind?
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