stupid things called feelings.

Of course this is about a boy. or two. and the emotions that come along with them. I hate that I have a Mr. Big of my own. I mean, i understand that everyone does eventually have one, but I hate that I can't be exempt. I am great at putting my feelings for someone on the side, shoving them away until I can't find them anymore. That usually works really well for me, except with my Big. I've hidden those feelings in the most hard to reach areas I could, tried to replace them with flaws I could never like. In the end, those very flaws are most of why I am attracted to him. That's not the point. Point is, after almost 2 years, he decides to pay real attention to me. Not secret attention, not attention that could never be noticed. Real attention. And I don't even ask questions. I had the most fun with him on our date (he called it a date, girls!) than I have had since before my first date with bro-van. Leaving Albany yesterday, I texted and said goodbye. He said he was sad that I was leaving and that hopefully he'd get to see me in the summer. Seeing that, i forgot all about the boy who is, for whatever reason, waiting for me at home. Home boy (haha) is cute, funny, smart, focused, and into me.
Big has been a game player for almost the whole time I've known him.
Yet for whatever reason, I cannot stop thinking about my dinner the other night. And my Big.

So my question, ladies, is why? Why do they know when to come back? Why do they come back? And why can't I make a decision?
Do I have to even?
What if I were to just go on dates this summer, no relationships, no strings attached, nothing? Take me to dinner as many times as you want, but nothing is coming out of this?
I want someone new. Someone I've never met before, who knows nobody. Someone from another school but close enough to see whenever I felt like. Far enough that I don't have to see them every day.
In a perfect world, I'd completely stand by that. However, this is no perfect world and I am just a Carrie.