I'll let this speak for itself

For the last probably ten days in a row, i've been either drunk or high, and on this eleventh night i'm kind of feeling like I have somethings to say. Maybe my brain is feeling the lack of drugs and is attempting to compensate, so be it. lol. I can't really explain what i've been feeling tonight, but i'm certainly going to try. Everything seems so...idk...planned out. Graduate, go to college, graduate, go back to school again, graduate, get a shitty apartment, work shitty jobs that you hate, and then finally settle into a job that you don't even mildly love where you will presumably remain for the rest of your life if you're lucky. i dont want that! in fact, i refuse it! my parents come home miserable day after day telling me to stay in school so i can get what i want, but why should i when its going to lead me down the same path as them? does my future lie outside standardized education? more and more every day my heart seems to tell me that the answer is yes. I want to travel, and share what I have to say and listen to what the world has to offer. College almost seems like a crutch when i view it like this. It's crippling us from experiencing what life is really like, which is why alot of people burn out when they graduate and end up either suicidal or somebody's bitch. Two things I will not be. Every day I get closer o my summer class and I ask myself whats the point? Fighting it would be bliss, but is it worth my parents believing i'm heading down a path of self destruction? who knows?

-sorry for the wierdness, but I got in this huge debate with my dad tonight how I refuse to settle in a job and blah blah so it sort of led to this. lol

and is it mean for me to tell a friend to shut up about her ex? I mean, i know break-up's suck, but every time  we hang out, it's all she wants to talk about. And its not like new info, its the same shit reiterated again and again. I feel like a bad friend, but I can't take it! 

and i miss st. rose. living at home sucks.

Love,

Marissa

What's the deal girls?! No one has written in ages, I gave the blog some space, so that someone else can have a word, but since that clearly isn't happening, I'll chime in again. Nothing has happened since I left albany, the most drama I've had is the fact that my "f" key sticks on my keyboard. I hate drama, but I love to watch it unfold around me. And since Massapequa is extremly boring, I'm begining to wonder where else my life will lead me. After I am done and graduated from Saint Rose, where will I move on too. I'm not sure I want to stay in Albany, I feel as though within the two year span I have left, I will have gotten about all I could get from Albany. So what's my next major city. The question is stay in New York, or wonder west?

Than again, I am not sure I want to think about the future, I wanna just be worried with the here and now. And what is here and now is planning my trip to europe. I want out of the states, hit me up with some across the sea culture.

The weather here doesn't help either, I thought I'd be retreating to the Long Island coast, but rather I'm stuck indoors with nothing but time on my hands. Christ if I wanted my parade rained on I would just step outside. So instead of relaxing on the beach, I've been doing puzzles, and watching old Golden Girls re-runs, I am only 20 and I am already going on 80.

Gimme my orthopedic shoes, Im gonna need them for the amount of ground im going to cover this year.


Love always,
Katie



PS. "...Just one more thing, can you tell me something that I haven't heard, I wanna hear how it sounds?" - Piebald

Soco Amaretto Lime

I have come to several realizations with in the past few nights; realizations that have seriously helped me come close to achieving my first summer goal. So here’s the recap of my weekend + Monday.

Friday night was a scavenger hunt with a bunch of high schoolers, which I was into, skeptical but I was into the idea. Sure they were slightly immature, but it’s nice to hang out with people who are still young, not that I’m not young but yeah. It was refreshing to see people that I hadn’t seen in a while, or even years.

Saturday, I went up to Albany. We had a party at the 511 household, it was interesting. Let’s just say, I’m glad to be out of there. There’s a lack of communication everywhere I go, especially there, probably because I’m always in and out of Albany, I can’t stay in one place because of jobs, school, family, it just gets overwhelming.

Sunday, I drove home, and watch desperate housewives, and cried my eyes out.
Monday I slept until 12, which I never do, and spent the day watching soup operas. Carolyn came over and than we watch Gossip Girl. Than me and fatty spent the night driving around talking, which is where some my very accurate convictions came about.

I hate to write it, or say it out loud, but most of the people who say they like me, really like the thought of me, not me. It’s all a game. Sure they want me because I’m cute as hell, but what’s more important are the relationship and the name attached to what “we” are. Sure that sucks, because surprisingly, I actually had feelings. I know, I know, the bitch has feeling surprising right?

Maybe that’s not the scenario, so ill give you another one, they don’t actually want me to like them. They think they like me, but they really like the thought of having something to be upset about, the chase. It’s all about the chase. They want a Mr. Big (only in girl form of course) and I will be there Mr. Big, not because I am their Mr. Big but because they want me to be their Mr. Big. Did that make sence?

Which brings me to, the short second I was looking for a relationship that has now terminated. I am now off the market and just keeping to myself. And maybe giving the cute kid who I see from time to time my number ;) but not in hopes of starting a relationship, just in hopes of getting to know someone new. That’s all I want is something fresh and new.

So the few things that I have to say to you fine people, well, just go with the flow. Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason, maybe Kanye was wrong and we actually do have free will, maybe not. The thing of it all is, that we don’t know, and at this point, I don’t really care. And finally, be yourself, find someone new, don’t worry about what they will think of you, they will like you. I promise. Screw the Mr. Big’s, and screw the Chuck’s of you’re lives, because when it comes down to it, who says we need to wait for them, I could probably find someone way cooler, way nicer, and way more cute that them, lets be honest. Oh and those things called feelings that everyone is talking about, screw them too. We can get over the Bigs, and the Chucks, we just need allow ourselves to do it. So do it!

I miss you girls and I love you always.









“Everybody wake up, It’s time to get down” - Brand New

yuck.

Wanna talk about guys coming back?

Talked to jess the other night, and she asked me about Christian 1 & 2, Erik, and that Vinnie guy. I said that Christian 1 hasn't spoken to me in about a week, probably good because of how things have been going with Erik, blah blah. Christian 2 hadn't tried to contact me since that night, awesome, because it was all a dare kind of think with Kate. That night, Erik was really attached to me for whatever reason before I talked to Jessica, idk. Like clingy and needy and weird.. whatever. So I talk to Erik before he goes to sleep, then I try to go to sleep and Christian 2 texts me and says "Tiffany I miss you. Are you in albany?" and I tell him no, and he tells me he misses my "amazing kisses". SERIOUSLY? Obviously I didn't answer, then he starts with "I never meant anything to you, did I?" blah blah blah, and I'm like "look we were drunk it happens." He starts complaining about how he really likes me and he can't wait 'til I'm back in Albany so we can hang out some more. 

But really.

I get him to go away, and this kid Justin that I met drunk FIRST SEMESTER starts talking to me, telling me I intrigue him every time we talk, and that he wants to get to know me better. fhdsk;afhdsk;aj.

But really.

THEN, Christian 1 calls me. I answer, he says, "What I'm trying to understand is, we've been home for almost 2 weeks and I still have not received a picture from you." He's referring to the kind where I'm not supposed to be wearing any clothes. And then tells me that if I were on Long Island he'd be taking me home that night, he wouldn't even have to think twice about it.

But really.

I am SICK of boys returning. Actually, I'm sick of boys having feelings for me. I don't want any part in it. I'm going to carry business cards around with me or something that has my number, name and picture for when a guy wants to know me, and it's going to say under my name, "Do not fall for me. It's a terrible idea."

That way, they are forewarned and I can't be to blame when I'm clearly not interested.

ughh.

Albany.

218. i cannot wait for you. so I can hide. away from everyone.

Lists

So here we go again, another blog post It's getting old Katie, I know, but hear me out, Here are some of the choices I made to entertain my summer after work, enjoy =)






Track List:
1. Needy- The Good Life
2. My Friend- Dr. Dog
3. Street Lights- Kanye West
4. Not if I see you first- The Marine Electric
5. Gentleman's Pact- Conor Oberst
6. (Anything off the Brand New's Your Favorite Album)
7. The Recluse- Cursive
8. Boy Destroyers- Hey Mercedes
9. Tonight We're gonna give it 35% - Against me!
10. Don't think twice, it's alright- Bob Dylan
11. Playing your song- Hey Mercedes
12. Machines- Kiss Kiss
13. Whiskey and Wine- Matt Costa
14. Future Reflections- MGMT
15. Haven't Tried it- Piebald
16. Runaway- Yeah Yeah Yeah's
17. Bigger River- The Rain in Spain


Books:
1. Love Letters of Great Men and Women: From the Eighteenth Century to the Present Day
2. Remember, Be here now. By Ram Dass
3. The Fall. By Albert Camus
4. Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, A Young Man and Life's Greatest Lesson
5. The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Movies:
1. Funny Face
2. Waking life
3. Love and other Disastors
4. S. Darko
5. How to deal
6. Princess Mononoke
7. My Neighbor Totoro
8. To kill a Mockingbird
9. Bonnie and Clyde
10. The Wizard of OZ





Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know you may have read those books, heard those songs, or seen those movies, the point is, lets re-watch, re-listen, and re-visit the old, and bring some new. I haven't seen half those movies, read none of those books, and listened to those songs, maybe once. Maybe they will enlighten you, and fill you up.


I hope we all learn something new about ourselves this summer, I know I already have. And this is why, I am in search of Goal number 2.

----

After showing my cousin someone in my year book, I left to book on my desk to put away. This morning, I fliped it open, to read some of the comments I got from friends, and friends past. Originally I was going to put down several messages that people had left me, ones of hope, and love. But than I realized, what this was all about. The quote to end highschool.

"We are always changing but we change together."

After reading that, I was brought to tears. Where is that friend who said we would change together? People say things but when it's in writing it is so much more legitimite. I know the person who wrote that, most likely isn't reading this, but I still love him. I always have, and always will. Lately I have changed into the ugliest of people. I realize that now. And for that, I must appologize. This summer, I will change, you will change, and everyone will change around us. But we will change together, maybe we will grow appart. But just know that I will always be there. No matter what. We change together. I miss you.





And Last but not least, add to that book list, you're old highschool year book, read what you're friends wrote you, your enemies, or even your past friends. Remeber who you were, and bring alittle bit of your old self back.


I am going to be taking a break from blogging for awhile, and take some time to do some more personal writing. Learn about new self, and old self.








XOXO

Katie

harsh realms

(click the image)
or this

!#@%#%^

I'm not exactly sure how I wanted to start this blog post, I guess I just dish right into it, once you have something, you have something to lose, or you get bored with it. So how can one be content? I guess you truely have to be wrapped up in what ever it is that you have. I answered my own question, ha. My point is I constantly get what I want, get bored and move on. I know I know, it's very bold for me to say. But people make it easy, oh that's bitchy I know but I wouldn't be saying it if it wasn't true. Can someone give me a slight challege, please? I love when I can't find the shirt that I want so bad in my size, than I just have to go to another store and find something twice as good to take my mind off of the shirt that doesn't fit. But let's say that shirt did come in my size, I'd probably wear it once and get bored with it because it only matches one pair of pants. So it's no longer about being scared of having something to lose, it's being bored. I am a bitch. I am completely self absorbed and into myself. Once you you realize you have a problem you can fix it right? Step one, admit the problem, step two find the solution, so what the fuck is the solution?!

I think I need some retail therapy.


PS. I think I also need to stop being so pety.


Summer Goal #1- Reconnect with what really matters, yourself.




OH! OH! you're kidding me, you must be joking or you are smoking.

My mom's watching something boring on TV so I am going to continue with what I had going on.

Katelyn Bonk, this one is directed for you, How can destiny and free will at all be associated other than being complete opposites? I'm not sure your free will can lead you to you're destiny if your destiny is what it is...=/

and Marissa this ones for you, I completely agree, Its like a weird 6th sense that people have, they know exactly when to completely stop you in your tracks. And as much as I hate it, I love it, I guess it all depends on the person who's just poping back into your life.

And this one well this one is just aimed at the general public. I am exactly who everyone thought I was, I lived up to ever dumb standard everyone has had for me, but my own. So now, where do I stand? absolutely no where.

"You give a little bit of time everyone you meetAnd what do you say for yourself?"
Jeeze Tom Gabel, you're too cute and too right.

well fuck.

Tests

I often feel like life has the strangest ways of reminding us of what we've left behind. For instance, when that one person suddenly decided to pop back into your life. While so frustrating it makes me want to scream, I find that I'm grateful for the reminder. does that sound ridic? I can better appreciate what I have in front of me or I can have a good laugh and be like what the fuck was I thinking? And when it comes down to it, only you can decide whats going to make you happy in the long run. By giving the decision to someone else, well you're in essence letting someone run your life. no good. Once its done there is no going back. I'd rather make it for myself and deal with whatever may happen rather then letting someone else do it and always wonder what my other option might have been.

Welcome to the good life, I just got the two illest bags eva. =) Yeah bros, Kanye and Beyonce, by two favz.<3

Modern Romance

I'm into this new band, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and I love this song and it definitly relates to all of our lives currently!
Check it out...

Decide with your heart

Every decision we make affects the people who are in our lives and the way we live our life. But decisions are what make enable us to move forward in our life and to experience pain and grief, joy and happiness and everything in between. I guess it would be easier to runaway from everything and everyone, but that would also mean that you would be living under a rock. Making decisions, big or small, gives us the power to control our lives and the people we allow to be in it. I know that making decisions, even the smallest ones, can change our lives forever but it is better to use your heart to decide where you want life to take you rather than your head. It may not be the easiest thing to do "to let your heart decide" however it can be worth it in the end if your happy. Oh and letting your friends decide for you is easier on you, yes, but not always for your best interest. Be yourself and make decisions that will benefit you in the end!
To answer Katie's question, sort of, I think that decisions are a part of free will which lead us toward our destiny. I'm not sure if our destiny is set in stone or if the decisions we make are already predetermined, it's mind boggling. What do you guys think?

Heads up, good quote: If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

truth.

Wouldn't it be easier if we can avoid everything we need to avoid. I'm way to scared of people, and trusting people is to hard. "Decisions seem so absolute"--it's true. One decision can change the course of your life. Does everything happen for a reason or is there free will? It's all up to you to decide, or is it?

stupid things called feelings.

Of course this is about a boy. or two. and the emotions that come along with them. I hate that I have a Mr. Big of my own. I mean, i understand that everyone does eventually have one, but I hate that I can't be exempt. I am great at putting my feelings for someone on the side, shoving them away until I can't find them anymore. That usually works really well for me, except with my Big. I've hidden those feelings in the most hard to reach areas I could, tried to replace them with flaws I could never like. In the end, those very flaws are most of why I am attracted to him. That's not the point. Point is, after almost 2 years, he decides to pay real attention to me. Not secret attention, not attention that could never be noticed. Real attention. And I don't even ask questions. I had the most fun with him on our date (he called it a date, girls!) than I have had since before my first date with bro-van. Leaving Albany yesterday, I texted and said goodbye. He said he was sad that I was leaving and that hopefully he'd get to see me in the summer. Seeing that, i forgot all about the boy who is, for whatever reason, waiting for me at home. Home boy (haha) is cute, funny, smart, focused, and into me.
Big has been a game player for almost the whole time I've known him.
Yet for whatever reason, I cannot stop thinking about my dinner the other night. And my Big.

So my question, ladies, is why? Why do they know when to come back? Why do they come back? And why can't I make a decision?
Do I have to even?
What if I were to just go on dates this summer, no relationships, no strings attached, nothing? Take me to dinner as many times as you want, but nothing is coming out of this?
I want someone new. Someone I've never met before, who knows nobody. Someone from another school but close enough to see whenever I felt like. Far enough that I don't have to see them every day.
In a perfect world, I'd completely stand by that. However, this is no perfect world and I am just a Carrie.

Since this is like the gossip girl of the albany region, lets chat about relationships, why don't we? I am excited to say I am promptly leaving albany as soon as this weekend is over ( I'd leave sooner but caleb lionheart and marine electric are playing on Saturday) which means by time I get back, in June, hopefully the dumb girl and none the less guy drama will be over with. With spring here and summer coming for some odd reason everyone feels the need to date or hook up with each other. And apparently NO ONE is off limits. It’s like insect. Everyone dates each other than swaps girlfriends or boyfriends. With the new semester looming I suggest one thing, let’s break free from the dumb web that our friend groups have made for us. Meet new people, and better yet date new people. There is absolutely no reason we have to date our best friends ex’s or our best friends for that matter. Things are just getting weird around this place, and I hate to say it but Long Island is looking pretty good right now, and with out drama.
Now When I said I would be talking about relationships I didn’t just mean boyfriend and girlfriends I mean just plain friendship too. Like Katelyn said before me a huge change is going to happen next year, I can feel it. I’m not sure what it will be but something drastic is going to blow everyone’s minds, and I can’t wait. So why is everyone so afraid of change like katelyn asked, well my dear friends, change simply means that we are growing old and growing up, which is a very scary thought. Growing up has been on my mind recently, I guess because I can now say I am “in my twenties”, My question to you all is why is everyone so afraid to grow up, and grow old. Being old should be considered beautiful, the older you get the more knowledge you have, of yourself, of other people, of everything really and isn’t that what life is all about? The main part of growing up is growing apart as well, from friends or boyfriends or girlfriends, and I think that what is such a scary thought is. There is nothing wrong with growing apart from one another, I guess it’s is part of you’re life’s path. If friendship isn’t meant to be than it won’t be, and same is true for relationships.


Out with the old in with the new
So good-bye city, hello beaches!

Change

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."

~Rosanne Cash~

As I was watching Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill tonight i realized that people are afraid of change. I think that it is easier for people to pretend that people and themselves are changing and choose to ignore it instead of going with it. In the GG episode tonight things changed drastically between Chuck and Blair and, me, being lame, cried because it was depressing, but in real life everything is changing between my friends and my education.  It's easy, I think, when our friends and our life stays constant because then life is predictable, but life is full of surprises, which makes living exciting and harder. 

It is the end of the year and I have to study for finals, pack up my belongings and find time to hang out with all my good friends before the Wednesday when it hit me: I'm afraid of change. By Wednesday I will be back home working, missing my college friends and all of the fun we had during out Sophomore year. What makes it more difficult is the fact that Meghan and I are doing the study abroad program. By the end of July, hopefully, we will be on an airplane on our way to Ireland. I think it was easier to accept that it was the end of the year when I knew that I was coming back in August and reconnecting with my college pals. Part of me cannot wait to go to Ireland and meet brand new friends and dudes :), but the other part of me is scared because my life will change after I go. I should be embracing change and looking forward to what lies ahead in this crazy thing we call a journey, but change is terrifying. 

This past year I have made different friends, friends of mine have fought with each other and have had falling outs and my friends have made other friends. Sophomore year has been very different than freshmen year because last year I was timid and shy and didn't branch out to meet new people. Being scared is just a feeling and something that can be overcome if the person is willing to be strong and confident. With a little help from my friends I gained the courage to befriend people I thought didn't like me and break out of my shell. While I was out doing my own thing, my friends mat other people and made friends with them, which is cool, but scary at first because I had the feeling of being replaced. I know that it was ridiculous, but everyone has that type of feeling when friends make other friends because they don't want to loose that person. However, I think that if you are susceptible to change is easier because you can accept and move on with life, instead of wishing your life is still like it was yesteryear. 

Well, I'm exhausted and have two finals plus packing tomorrow to do! Let me know what you think...

<3 always, 

~ Kay Bee

what the fuck is harder than this?

i want answers.

start writing, start reading.

summer reading list coming soon.