curious

i adore you.

it's not the same as the L word.

yes it is.

why won't you just say it?

you say it first.

guys always run when girls say it first.

Why is that? Why is it so taboo for a girl to express her love first? Why does she have to wait for the guy to be ready before she's allowed to feel anything like that? I guess girls are allowed to feel it, just not speak about it-that is, if she has any intention of keeping the boy she's with.

Erik and I went to see the second transformers tonight. The boy was leaving for college, saying goodbye to his girlfriend and that was the argument had, and I wondered: Why? Why is it so awful, or so terrifying to hear that someone loves you? isn't it what we all crave? I mean, sure it's scary to feel that way about someone, you have to completely disinhibit in order to do so. but it's not like because it's said to you, all of the sudden you're supposed to feel the same. Or is it? Have we turned telling someone you love them into a reciprocation? That people are so afraid of their feelings they won't risk exposing them unless they're sure they'll get the response they're looking for from their partner? 

And who put a time limit on when you're allowed to say and feel those words? I mean, I understand you have to really know someone before you can love them, but what if you've known them for years and you've been close and you know them, you really know them, and finally you're dating but you're not yet at that time, that marker that says, "Okay. Love is valid now." ? Why can't you be in love in 10 weeks of dating someone, if you know them? Why does it have to be 6 months, 8 months, 1 year? What if you just know, right in the beginning? Why is everyone so guarded, so afraid of loving someone else? Is it the commitment people are afraid of? Or is it just scary that once someone reveals that to you, you know you have all the power in the world to ruin them?

Why, when we're so advanced in so many ways, can't we just speak freely about our feelings? 

Why does love make people run?

I started a second blog! I like where the ichatirobisin blog is going, but I figured we should seperate, feelings from talking about new up and coming things like music and culture. So, If you are interested in contributing to the second blog about music, culture, art and other ill stuff, lemme know!

=)

my leg is numb.

thought #1: So yesterday I went to this concert with some friends of mine. As i stood there in the pouring rain, listening to the music, I couldn't help but notice this cutesie couple a little ways in front of me. Watching them act as couples do, I was forced to think about the relationships that I have in my life. In doing so, I realized, I have a very hard time letting people in. I don't know why. I've never really had that significant heart break that people talk about. I've never really been betrayed in such a way that would cause me to put no trust in people. Whatever the reason, however, I just have a hard time. There is so much that I feel that people don't know about me. So many aspects of my life that few people really know about, minus my close friends and family. Why do we build these walls? What are we so scared of?

thought #2: why do I find it so hard to admit to myself that not all people have the truest intentions. For 20 years, I've always tried to find the best in others, always tried to highlight the positive in the personalities of people I am surrounded by. The other day, however, I finally heard something that made me realize that although we may feel guilt-ridden, it is only human nature to dislike other people. Yes, I know, duh! But really, I'm being serious here. What do you do when you realize that one of your "friends" really isn't the truest of people. You cant just cut that person off... or can you? Do you keep going as if he/she did nothing? Keep that "friends" label there for convenience, or leave them behind. I may just be rambling and not make sense, but I don't really give a crapola.

thought #3: holy shit is life fragile. sometimes it scares me just how fragile it really is.

so to sum it all up:
1) I live hiding behind the great wall of china
2) I'm a nut who over analyzes things
3) life=frah-gee-lay. must be Italian

p.s. please tell me you got my reference there girls.

The Universe: Stars and Cosmos

I’ve been doing a lot of research, and by research I mean watching "Sex and the City" episodes, and movies that are mad lame like, “He’s just not that into you”, and during this so called “research” a few questions have been raised and I was curious on all of your opinions. We all know that girls are delusional, but so are guys. Guys play these games with you, whether they like you or not. To most people, emotions are a joke, and the only emotions that matter, are his or hers. 3 weeks ago (give or take a few days or even weeks) I thought that you have to do what is good for you, “Do what you want” and when it comes to another person, just understand that YOU are the most important. But now I am realizing that maybe that isn’t the best way to go about things. I wish I could tell you girls what is the right way to go about things but I out of my element.

So continuing with my conclusions that I made after the “research” I did: Isn’t it crazy to think that there is someone out there who could possibly be made for you, and only you. But what if you have already met that person? What if you already happily married when you encounter the “one” you are “supposed” to be with? Do you drop everything to be with that person, or continue living a mediocre life? And what about the other person, like I said, how do you know when you should “do what you want” and when you should do what is greater good for the greater number?

Deception. Everyone is a part of it, whether it’d be you who is deceiving people or someone who has deceived you. Deception hurts. Have you ever found out something about someone, that you knew to be true to begin with, but having the hard evidence makes even more legitimate? It hurts. Or if what you find out isn’t something that person is doing to you, but doing it to a friend? That hurts. I’ve been struggling with trust, lately. I’m sure every human in the entire universe has some form of trust issues. It’s something a person will never get over, but learn to cope and deal with. Currently, I can’t deal. People have been proving me right, in things I do not want to be right, and proving me wrong in things I do not want to be wrong. I am pretty sure I have a good conception of who everyone who writes on this blog is, all good, so please, don’t prove me wrong.

Another concept I’ve been fooling around with is the fact that life really does come full circle. You are born, innocent and through the course of your life you lose that innocence. But of course that’s the idea of living life rather than just existing. Some of us have been though things as hard a death, all the way to something as petty as losing your car keys, or breaking up with a boyfriend, I mean the list of things that could happen to any one individual is unlimited. My point being, those of us who have been through an extremely difficult time in our lives have just maybe sped up the process of losing our innocence. And while something as negative, and as awful as losing a person by reason of death, or a breakup, or an ending of a friendship, these can all be looked as positives. The way you handled those tragic moments have shaped you, and your personality. A person isn’t defined as the events that happen in their lives, but how they handle themselves during those events. And when you die or are mad old, you start almost gaining innocence back. Think about it, old people are completely clueless on when the younger generations are doing, hell my mom (who isn’t even old) didn’t realize that kids who in 6th grade, 12 years old, are having sex. Christ I didn’t even know that. So as we lose a certain type of innocence, you also gain an different type of innocence. Right?
Okay, I know I’ve been rambeling on about random stuff, but I need to ask, Do you think that horoscopes and the idea of astrology are all accurate, and real? If so scope the scene on this site (www.excite.com) I don’t know if I believe in that stuff, but that website sure does make me want to believe in it. I also want to hear more about this long lasting conflict we have all been having of destiny vs. free will. I just can’t seem to decide. I go from one day being all about the idea of free will, to the next of being complexly set on the idea that our life has destiny.

Even though I have been in Albany or the past 18 days or so I am glad that we all have had a break from each other. Don’t get me wrong, I seriously miss you girls, but it makes me realize that not having you around sucks and makes me really feel lucky to know you guys.



"And look at the stars, don't they remind you just how feeble we are? Well it used to, I guess cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life it's been fine I've been cool with my new golden rule...I'm over the analyzing tonight." - John Mayer

the madness that you feel will soon subside

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day that changed my life. 

5 years ago today, at this very second, Ashley was in math with me. She was safe, sitting behind me. We were joking about  her sunburn, about whether Jessica was in ISS again, or whether she was just skipping the class in guidance. We were planning our summer. We were thinking back on how freshman year was, how our friendship had its ups and downs. She was asking me about my plans for the day, she was inviting me to hers. I was declining offers from her for the sole reason i thought I'd get caught if I lied to my mom.

5 years ago i was walking through the hall, when I was stopped by Sierra. I wore a white shirt just for her, and she said "Tiffany, you really are beautiful. I want you to stop wearing black." And I promised I would. I was hugging Sierra. i was joking with Sierra. She was safe, she was in front of me. We were joking about our past, saying how glad we were that we had become close again, how we'd missed each other.

5 years ago today, I was halfway through my final day of my freshman year of high school. I had a boyfriend, I had best friends, I was incredibly happy.

5 years ago today, i was still a kid. 

Today marks 5 years since my best friends were killed in the ultimate act of stupidity. 5 years since I truly discovered what hate feels like. Today marks 5 years since I watched my best friend completely break. 5 years since I felt my and saw her heart break. Today marks 5 years since I grew up.

I miss them every day. I don't look for them places anymore, I don't think about them all the time. I don't hear their voices in my head and I have started to forget their exact lines of their faces. I can't remember their phone numbers, I can't feel the way they hugged  me anymore. And I am so angry about it. I don't want to forget, I want them with me forever in every way I can have them, because I they were taken from me.

I am 20 years old, and I AM too young to feel this old. Old, and tired, and heart-broken. It doesn't get easier. No matter what anyone says, it does not get easier to live while someone you love does not. That hurt never goes away. 

It's been 5 years. Today is June 15, 2009. Today is the last day of high school. This hasn't happened  since June 15, 2004. I am more than nervous. Maybe I'm being superstitious, but I can't help it. My heart hurts.

Picking up the pieces of the wreck you went and left

and i'm dealing with dilemmas in my now so stressful life

and i'm drinking stronger spirits, I've made my home hear on the floor

and i'm losing all ambition and goals.

no sleeping at night, but i'm going from bar to bar

why can't we just rewind?

maybe the dingo ate your baby

hiiiiiii friends.
sincerely, me.

p.s. please visit this site
http://omgthatrocks.com/

aha shake heartbreak

As most of you know, I went back to albany this past week, and suprisingly shit's been real good. No one is as cranky as they were, which is always a good sign, the weather is constantly beautiful there, and I am definately going to be exploring places in albany that I haven't seen before. Currently I am back on Long Island, only or the night though, for some reason I feel like something is calling me back to Albany, who knows what it is, I think it's the weather, the people, and beauty all around the city that I have never noticed before. Things are clearing up for me. And I have realized that setting up lists of pro's and con's is the best way to determain what is best for you life.

Marissa, I feel the same way about school and in the same sence I just can't seem to get away from it. I don't even wanna touch the subject of not going to school anymore with my parents, but the point is, I feel like my life is much bigger than school. I'm sure everyone feels that way. But every once in a while, I get that one class that reminds me why I am in school. To learn History, and information about things I would never have known if I didn't go to school. I mean come one, the world has changed drasticly since it was first created. We have come so far!

But what is even more mind boggling than the idea of learning about world history, or math (which isn't even real) Is who the fuck was this "genious" who decided what basics even human should know? When you think about its, our opinions, what makes us, "us" is actually all opinions on what someone else taught us. So "me" or "you" will never really be myself, or yourself. No one is unique.

Which brings me to, the movie I have been ranting and raving about, Waking Life, talks about something that has happened to me, and probably has happened to you. Ever have a dream that you are talking to someone, and this person tells you about this ill idea than you wake up, and you are like shit that idea is awesome, I am def. going to do that. But is it really your idea? I mean, you didn't think of it, a dream character did. Therefore "your" idea, is no where near unique. What do you think?

Next order of buisness, Katelyn, you better bring me home some ill dress or some indie as fashion from ireland/europe. Just keep that in mind, bitch. =P But really, anyone else think it's crazy that Kate isn't gonna be around next semster, I mean, of course we don't see her all the time now because of the summer, but during the semesters shes always getting wasted, wondering around albany doing her annoying ass laugh. JK Kate, I love you. But really.
And which one of you is gonna man up and watch gossip girl with me every Monday night? Yeah you guys better start drawing straws.


So I didn't think this blog post would be as long as it's gotten but I have alot to say apparently.


Keep Reading
Keep Writing.
Keep on keeping up.

IRELAND!!!

Ok, I know that I'm not complaining about anything in this post, but I just found out that I've been accepted into the University of Cork over in Ireland and leave a few days before August 21st! I'm super excited and wanted to share the news with everyone!

The only downside, however would be that I would miss my good friends which include the ones who contribute (more than I have) to the blog!

Love ya!!!
KayBee