ok so....fuck school..seriously.

I totally tried to sell another book back today and it was rejected cause st.rose is "updating". seriously saint rose? fuck you. you dont need to update cause the new book has the exact same shit in it. the only new thing is a pretty cover. its called saving and reusing, i love how in your attempt to be a "greener" campus you're overlooking the basics behind reycyling. hmmm. and i'll be honest, i could use the money. i paid prolly around 100 for each of my books and i could only return 2 of them out of 5. and for those 2 books i got less than 80 for them. brand new. i know i'm beating a dead horse, but i fucking HATE that i get 20 bucks for an 100 dollar book and then they resell it AGAIN for 100 dollars. then they bitch that they have to save money. screw you i will leave everything on in my room 24 hours a day saint rose. do they need the money?! NO. but we do. oh haha and the kicker is that i made a comment about saint rose when i was recieving my 20 dollars and repacking my rejected books and the girl who was scanning the books had the nerve to be snarky with me. she said it wasnt saint roses fault and i should be greatful. i almost cut a bitch

What of it?

Isn't it funny how people change. And I don't mean over time but, around different people, you become different. It isn't like you are trying to change, or trying to be all cool around them, its just that, it is inevitable, you change. I'm okay with it. People really do shape who I am on a day to day basis, when I am around kids, I act kid like, when I around adults I try and act more mature. But when I am around people who just can't seem to understand that I am only human, (we all make mistake) I don't know how to act. Do you think it is acceptable to change around different people, depending on age, basic personality, or even maturity level? I do.

Even more on the topic of change, since school has ended, and I've come home to long island, my music, clothing and even the way I think about things have changed. But it is not like I have been hanging out with anyone who could have changed my fashion choices, or musical choices, it was all me. So can a place really have a impact on stupid little things like that, because i thought change really came from human interation, which leads me to...

Most people on long island don't understand what it is like to be human or to have real human interation. I hope you all got a change or will get a chance in the near future to sit down, and absorb the movie wakeing life. It has changed my idea of conciousness, and by all means, for the better. Towards the end of the movie, they talk about human interation, and I can definately relate. Check it out!

And Lastly, Summer reading, I know I posted a list before but for serious, the books I would love to discuss with all of you, (as of right now) are Be Here Now, Tuesdays with Morrie, and Cather in the Rye.

There will most likely be more since I still have like 34678 more books I wanna read before the end of the summer, but thats beside the point.

Miss and Love you guys!
Katie

PS. One more thing, I know I know, stfu katie, but Don't you guys think it's great that we haven't seen each other in like 2 monthes(ish) I gives us all a chance to miss each other. I know it definately has for me =)

People need people even though we die and are eventually forgotten. But for the lives of our family members and the people whom we call our friends, it matters because we all depend on each other. I think that if we didn't have people to fall back on when we trip and fall or make big or small mistakes then we would feel completely isolated and withdrawn. I don't know really how to explain it because I have so many things running through my mind but no matter how much I hate people sometimes (scratch that, most of the time) I've come to the realization that we all need each other even if it won't matter in the long run. When we die we will have touched the lives of so many people, whether they are acquaintances, family, or good friends and even though we are no longer alive, we will still live on in their memories and hearts. I know when everyone you know dies then you die too, but, maybe, not really. Maybe, you children's children will investigate your life and you will be remembered as an influential teacher, the most understanding parent or a very intelligent politician, either way your life meant something to you and everyone you've met. Bottom line, what i think, is people really suck most of the time, but we need each other to survive in this world.

"Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown? Is it because he left you one day? is it because he could not stay? On your branches he would swing, do you long for the happiness that day would bring? He found shelter in your shade. You thought his laughter would never fade. Weeping willow, stop your tears. There is something to calm you fears. You think death has ripped you forever apart. But I know he'll always be in your heart."

There have been a few things I have been struggling with in recent weeks that I can't decide if these opinions are good, or bad. I guess that's for each person to decide. I will start with the oldest events, and work my way up until I reach what has been recently been bothering me.

1. June 25, 2009- Michael Jackson Dies.

Now it is safe to say that Michael Jackson is an eccentric dude, but who’s to say that he is a bad person? After his death, people have been making rude comments like, “So what he was a child molester” But the thing of it is, I for one, truly believe he wasn’t. For a parent of a son or daughter who was molested to take money, no matter what amount, in trade for the innocence of a person who “molested” your child is complete bullshit. I would thing, a matter of fact, I know, that I would have wanted a man who owned a place called “Neverland ranch” and whom had thousands of children visit him per day, arrested if he had ever touched my child in a sexual matter. I wouldn’t want another child to go through what my child had. To me, the parents, were just looking for money. I don’t think Michael would do something like that. Secondly, I find it, disgusting that people only saw him for his money, talent, and fame. His life was miserable. By the age of 10 he was pimped out by his so called “father” Joe Jackson. Now tell me, what kind of childhood is that. He grew up only knowing people who wanted him for one thing, his money. The drugs he was taking were to numb the harsh realities of his money driven life. This may sound like pity, but it isn’t, it is respect. I have MAD respect for MJ. And if anyone would like to argue otherwise, come find me.

2. Massapequa, LI (lawg islan)- Parents

As you all probably know, I work at a summer camp at my old Elementary school, and up until now I have had little to absolutely no problems dealing with the parents of children. In fact, most of them are very grateful that we run a great camp especially for the price they pay ( I did the math, its only 3 dollars and hour for babysitting from 9-3 for 6 weeks). But the other day, we had a parent who was quite the opposite of what I am describing. Listen to this story, it is insanity. So, last Wednesday two of our camp counselors had to deal with an disrespectful, and out of control camper. When they told the child that he was going down to the director of the camp, he laughed and said “ Please.” So in an attempt to get this child under control, they took the boys lower arm and brought him to our director. After having a talking to the boy, the boy continued on his day at Summer rec. The next morning, the mother of the boy decided to talk to our director, and by talk I mean yell at, saying “what kind of camp are you running, if those boys don’t get fired I am going to call my attorneys” (not in those exact words but that’s the gist of it. The two counselors, who may I add are very good with the kids, got fired, not by the decision of our director but by the decision of the administration. (Complete BS) So, yesterday (Friday) we had to move some counselors around and we moved one of the best counselors to the 3rd grade boys, the group in which the awful child was in. I hung around that group to make sure there were no problems. Later in the afternoon, I witnessed the litter fucker grab another child by the wrists, violently and push him down. So I brought him down to our director. At the end of camp, the mother talked to the director yet again, and wasn’t to happy with us. (how are you mad at 3 counclors when your child is clearly at fault.) We found out that the kid go two counselors fired, and is in attempted to get me in trouble as well as our director and asst. director, and the kid isn’t even coming back to camp. How can a parent of a child ruin two kids summers, by getting the fired, when your child is a ungrateful, spiteful prick? I don’t understand people. How mean, how rude?! UGH.

3. In recent days I have been having this odd idea that the world, and feeling and all that is just nonsense, unuseful, and pointless. It doesn’t matter how we treat people, they are just going to die anyway, and be forgotten. So than why do I care so much, or why does anyone care enough, to make someone feel better, or to make someone feel miserable. (reading that back makes little to no sense, it’s really hard to put into words what I am trying to explain.) I guess what I am trying to say, as much as I love the people who are in my life now, and I am so grateful for everyone to be a part of my life, and a part of me, It all doesn’t matter. We are all going to be forgotten, and what we have done will not have made a difference. The more I think of the world as meanless, and people as absolutely nothing, the more I feel content, happy, and fulfilled. Is that completely irrational? Actually I don’t care if it is, it gives me the answers I need to hear to make myself the person who I need to be.

I think I need a shrink...

I was watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants the other day before I went to work and it occurred to me that i may possibly be afraid to get into a relationship. Think about it I'm always falling for the guy who is constantly unavailable or if I do like a dude who is available I make up about a billion excuses to not go out with him. I'm a mess! I feel like I'm Lena, from the movie, who is scarred to get into a relationship with Kostas. However, Lena conquers her fears and fights for him.
So the other day while I was at work this kid Justin, who i went to high school with and who had a crush on me for the longest time, came in with his girlfriend (ugh) and it occurred to me that I actually like him (shit!). I have been telling this kid that I don't like him for like 4 years and that he should find someone else and the moment he does I start falling for him. Is that fucked up or what? jeez. Right after work i decided to go get drunk with a few friends and of course we have to talk about boys and they all ask who I'm "crushing on" and I blurted out Justin. I told them that I think I have a fear of committment. We were talking about it for quite some time and I now know that I have three fears : 1. fear of getting into a relationship, 2. fear of being alone, and 3. fear of losing my freedom as a single girl in New York. Do I need to see a shrink or what because seriously I have mad issues. I really like Justin and I know he likes me because I can see it in his eyes whenever I see him and we do that small talk thing. I really wanna tell him that I like him but my morals are telling me to not ruin the relationship he just started and my insecurities are telling me to find someone else.
On the other hand I started talking to Mike, who is now living in Jersey...? I don't want to date him or anything because he starting to feel more like a bother to me that a boyfriend guy. Here I go again making excuses (damn). But, no seriously I don't like him like I though I did during the school year. But I can't help but think that he likes me because he is always telling me to come keep him company in NJ and that he wants to see me at JFK before I leave for Ireland. And I'm just like WTF? Am I being way to conceited here? I think I am just gunna cut off communications with him because I can't keep stringing him along because I know he likes me and if I need to I can go back to him after being rejected or what not.
I can't keep running away from my problems because they are always going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I;m leaving for Ireland in 32 days where I can forget about my USA boy drama and just live life to the fullest and maybe find someone knew whom non of my friends will know and who I won't be afraid of and can conquer my many fears I face when it comes to boys.

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.”

Love,
Katelyn!

PS. Am I crazy?
PSS. I miss you girls! come back to Albany so we can visit Monty and get drunkzz

Summer Goal #2: Get my body and my mind on the same page, happiness is all the rage

I went biking today, It was nice. Starting tomorrow, I am not drinking soda, and this time is for real. After I finish the 3-24oz of bud heavys I have, no more drinking for the summer too. I wanna be in a good mood, and feel in a good mood, and look as though im in a great mood. My body, and my mind, need to be on the same page here. No more mcdonalds, and no more confusion. I am sticking to my guns, and going with my gut. Sure, this week coming up is going to suck, next week I will call the downfall of Katie Dobbins, but by time School starts back up, and I look damn fine and feel damn fine, that week will be the Rise of Katie Dobbins.

be ready. I'm gonna look good. (and feel good too)

MISS YOU!<3

curious

i adore you.

it's not the same as the L word.

yes it is.

why won't you just say it?

you say it first.

guys always run when girls say it first.

Why is that? Why is it so taboo for a girl to express her love first? Why does she have to wait for the guy to be ready before she's allowed to feel anything like that? I guess girls are allowed to feel it, just not speak about it-that is, if she has any intention of keeping the boy she's with.

Erik and I went to see the second transformers tonight. The boy was leaving for college, saying goodbye to his girlfriend and that was the argument had, and I wondered: Why? Why is it so awful, or so terrifying to hear that someone loves you? isn't it what we all crave? I mean, sure it's scary to feel that way about someone, you have to completely disinhibit in order to do so. but it's not like because it's said to you, all of the sudden you're supposed to feel the same. Or is it? Have we turned telling someone you love them into a reciprocation? That people are so afraid of their feelings they won't risk exposing them unless they're sure they'll get the response they're looking for from their partner? 

And who put a time limit on when you're allowed to say and feel those words? I mean, I understand you have to really know someone before you can love them, but what if you've known them for years and you've been close and you know them, you really know them, and finally you're dating but you're not yet at that time, that marker that says, "Okay. Love is valid now." ? Why can't you be in love in 10 weeks of dating someone, if you know them? Why does it have to be 6 months, 8 months, 1 year? What if you just know, right in the beginning? Why is everyone so guarded, so afraid of loving someone else? Is it the commitment people are afraid of? Or is it just scary that once someone reveals that to you, you know you have all the power in the world to ruin them?

Why, when we're so advanced in so many ways, can't we just speak freely about our feelings? 

Why does love make people run?